COMPULSIVE GAMBLING

I am writing a book about how I kicked a 25 year “addiction” to gambling, and I would love to hear your stories. I want the good, the bad and the ugly. Everyone will be treated with respect and with total anonymity.

I wish I could say that it was a simple process, it wasn’t. I don’t want to swaddle this in secrecy, as in go-buy-my-book-when -it-comes-out kind of way, but it was quite the journey for me and I want to get it right, when I put it down on paper. So so I will leave you with these key points, which helped me:

1. I am not a compulsive gambler, I have neurological disorganization. There is no “gambling center” in the brain. Just like there is no “shoe shopping center”, “glue sniffing center” or “cupcake center”.
2. I worked hard on myself , even though the compulsive behavior hadn’t stopped. Like a battered wife making her getaway plan.
3. I sped up the process of being fed up, by being more aware in the gambling moments. I used to do it blindly, by suppressing all emotions and negative self talk, but by actually observing myself, the rediculousness of my actions really hit home in a different way.
4. I forgave myself, was gentle with myself. Not in a “poor me” way, which used to justify the gambling, but in a way where I could allow myself to grow and move forward.
5. I did therapy. But instead of going in there hoping/expecting the therapist to push some imaginary button, I came in with a plan, was proactive and did my homework.
6. I did self hypnosis, which is way easier than it sounds.
7. I did NLP, EMDR, EFT and a bunch of visualization techniques. Most of it self taught because I couldn’t pay for professional help.
8. GA has helped many people, but it was a bad experience for me.

There was more. I probably took the long road, but hopefully I will be able to articulate it in the book, so your process wil be way shorter than mine.

If you want to reach out and tell me your story, please do so. To protect your anonymity, you don’t have to leave a comment, you can email me at ll0608@sbcglobal.net

Sincerly

Mette

DEPRESSION FOR BEGINNERS. 10 THINGS TO DO IMMEDIATELY.

 

I an starting a series of blogs on the topic of depression. To kick it off, before getting into the core of it, here is a few points to get started on:

1) STOP hanging out with negative people, people who likes to gossip and those “gems” who loves to point out your weaknesses. They are not bad people, just lacking in insight. We can all be a bit guilty of this, from time to time,  but cut it out! Everyone loves a good demolition job, like taking a sledgehammer to a wall, but building something is way more satisfying.

2) START taking your vitamins and supplements. You would be amazed if you knew how much various vitamin deficiencies can affect your mood.

3) BE GRATEFUL every day. Yea, yea, I know this sounds like new-age woo woo. In reality, it’s about the smartest thing you can do. See, the subconscious mind (which is in control 95% of the time) works for you. Wouldn’t  you rather train it to look for good in the world and have the ripple-effect of joy and possibilities programmed in your mind,  instead of that piss n vinegar cocktail you have been serving it?

4) STOP marinating in depressive thoughts. Boy, this one is tough, but it’s doable with practice. The second a negative thought comes up, it MUST be crushed like a bug. This can be done with visualization techniques. Also its important to find a go-to thing, like a favorite passage from a book, or watching funny clips on You Tube or get moving.

5) UNFRIEND or hide about 85% of your Facebook friends. Yikes, Facebook used to bring me down. Ignorant political comments, the something-is-always-wrong people, the’ look I drank coffee today’ posts and of course the ‘look what a great life I have posts’. Be selective of what you let in.

6) EXERCISE! Double yikes. Again, we are going for a ripple-effect. Good news is: No matter what pathetic level you are on, you will reap all the same benefits of improved health as big boy athletes do. Increase in all the yummy neuro chemicals  needed for happiness, a sense of accomplishment, a better physique and so on. Your effect of it may not be a ripple, at first, it may only be a trickle, but it still counts.

7) STOP watching the news. Unless you are a very important political figure, there is no need to follow along. “Yea, but I don’t want to be ignorant”! Please, you skipping a few months of rape, tortured animals, landslides and genocide, wont make you ignorant.

8) GET SILLY (and please only do this inside your head). Again, we are going for re-wiring your brain and sculpting your mind. Any time you do any action, make a ridiculous statement (remember, only in your mind, otherwise they will come take you away). For example: WOW, I peeled those potatoes like a BOSS! Man, I am a great driver, took that corner like a pro! Best signature yet! And so on. Don’t worry, you won’t get an inflated ego, you are just getting yourself used to saying nice things to yourself.

9) PUSH BACK on thoughts. If you think: “I’m just to tired to….”. Then turn the tables, ask yourself: “If I wasn’t tired, what would I do”? Basically getting in the habit of making your brain seek solutions, instead of backing up self-sabotaging thoughts of defeat.

10) STOP wishing for things to be fair. Gosh, I waited for some sort of cosmic justice for years. It was a humbling but empowering day, once I realized that I alone held the key to get out. Yes, I needed help, I needed counseling; but I had to do it. Like late great JIM ROHN said: “You can’t hire people to do your push-ups”!

Digging out of depression is a hard and sometimes long road. You have to make your sanity FIRST ORDER OF BUSINESS every day.

Stay tuned for next blog here or visit my Facebook page Mette Siddall. (#shameless selfpromotion)

Wanna compare battle scars? (The dark side of autism)

This is not a hook. If you are a parent of a newly diagnosed kid; don’t read this.

This is for you, the veteran autism mamma, who have pushed through, cried and would shake hands with the devil, if it would ease the pain. This is a loophole in time, where we get to share the ugly truth.

You wanna compare scars? I’m going to lift my shirt up first and show mine. In no particular order:

• Autism has brought me to my knees in desperation, defeat, with an emotional pain, so intense, that I have begged and pleaded with God.
• I have told my ‘typical’ child “not now” so many times, that it’s going to be the title of his first book.
• I have sat and cried in silence, on just about every grocery store floor, holding my daughter, keeping her from banging her head on the floor.
• I have researched the internet so much, that I have a Google PhD.
• I have cried so much watching my daughters typical peers play on the street.
• I have spent more money on inadequate therapy, than I care to mention.
• Have spent even more money on good therapy programs, only to not follow through.
• I have changed diapers for 7 years.
• I underestimated a meltdown for a fit, let my guard down and got kicked so hard that it set most my ribs out of place and broke one.
• I didn’t sleep,a full night, the first 5 years.
• I havnt slept in the same bed, with my husband, for 7 years.
• We haven’t decorated a Christmas tree for 5 years.
• I have celebrated her saying words, never to hear them again.
• Beeen through the -drooling phase, spitting phase, hitting phase, not walking phase, eating rocks and shoes phase, she loves the bath phase, she hates the bath phase, throw all the meals on the floor phase………
• We have struggled through the gluten, dairy, sugar, MSG free (joy free) diets.
• We take separate vacations.
• I have left the house without shoes (and worse), because I accidentally held the car keys before I was completely ready, she saw it and not going RIGHT NOW, would trigger a meltdown.
• Once I sang Happy Birthday 53 times in a row, because if I stopped, she would start screaming.
• I have worn yoga pants for 7 years, never done one minute of yoga #autismuniform.
• I feel that painful twinge, deep in my soul, every time there is another missing autistic child on the news. Praying for their safe return. Knowing, that if we forget the child lock, it could be my baby on the news.
• We have gone through so many iPads, that Apple should take pity on us. (One of them she threw out the car window going down a busy interstate).
• I have said things, in front of my daughter, which I desperately want to take back.
• Though I am very much about positive energy, I live every day with a warm, sad grip on my heart.
• Most importantly, my daughter had to go through all this too.

Looking back, I am amazed that I still have an ounce of sanity left. No one truly understand, what its like to be on high alert constantly, to have scars on top of scars, unless they have put in the time.

I showed you mine, now show me yours……

 

*please refrain from nasty and judgemental comments. This is not the absolute truth for all people living with an autistic child, but it has been mine and I know it’s shared with more people, than my heart can stand to think about.

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HOW TO HELP YOUR FRIEND WHO HAS A SPECIAL NEEDS CHILD

When I first realized my daughter wasn’t developing, at the rate of her peers, I was crushed. The heartbreak and fear of the unknown future, for my child, consumed my every waken thought (of which there were many, since we didn’t sleep….EVER). I pretty much spend my days keeping my daughter from banging her head, smearing poop on the walls and trying to soothe her seemingly never ending screaming and crying. Of course the house was falling apart around me and guilt towards my son was eating me up. Friends and family were unwilling spectators to this nightmare. Some offered to help, some didn’t. It didn’t really matter, because when asked what I needed, I couldn’t say; I just wanted it all to go away.

A few years into this journey, I have gained some insight and can now articulate what I needed, when things were at it’s worst:

1. KNOW YOUR AUDIENCE. If your friend is crying about her child being 3 and still not walking; please don’t take this opportunity to tell her that your Johnny just took first place in Karate.
2. INVITE HER OTHER KIDS OVER. Take them to the zoo, the movies or fishing. Your friend will be so grateful that the sibling is having a good time. That will remove the guilt feeling for a few hours.
3. COOK EXTRA. You have that crock pot out anyways. Put a few meals in her freezer.
4. GET HER BUTT MOVING. Team up with another friend, who will watch the kids while you take mamma on a brisk 20 minute walk. It does wonders for the mind.
5. NEVER EVER RUN OUT OF XANAX. Your friend don’t need to have her own prescription; she would be shooting heroin straight into her eyeball before Christmas! Be her bi-monthly hookup.
6. BE HANDS ON. Learn the principals of whatever therapeutic program she is doing with her kid. Jump in a few times a week. Even 15 of therapy, with a fresh well-rested person, is VERY beneficial for forming awesome neurological connections.
7. DO THE RESEARCH. Don’t say something like: “I heard something about a boy who did something with a horse, and now he is better”. Spend a few moments, look it up and present it like this: ” I heard about Equine therapy. It’s riding therapy, where the child form a connection with the horse, and the specific rhythm between them, help form new pathways in the brain. I looked into it, closest place is ****, it costs *** and they have openings Wednesdays”.
8. ASK QUESTIONS. Ask why her child flaps, spins, rocks, looks away or bite themselves. Armed with information, you can also better explain to your kids: ” Lisa likes to rock because it makes her feel safe.And she screams every time the doorbell rings, because she has super hearing and it sounds to her like a bomb went off”. that can help bridge the gap between “typical” kids and the special needs child. Their interaction is just as beneficial as top-notch therapy.
9. DROP THE PLATITUDES. “Ah, it’s going to be alright”, “God don’t give you more than you can handle”, “Special people get special children”. I know you mean well, but CUT IT OUT! It is as annoying as, when people at funerals say: ” God needed another angel”. Tell it as it is: ” Yep, this sucks. It’s not fair and I understand that you are scared and upset”.

I know that we, the parents of special needs children, can come off as martyrish victims. I guess it’s because we are. We just need to go through all the stages of grief: Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. We all move along at different rates, but one thing is for sure…..we cannot do it without you!

I’M BRINGING SEXY BACK

Okay, it was Justin Timberlake who brought sexy back. I am trying to ‘bring the word Priority back’, but damnit, it just didn’t have the same ring to it. If you can get over my bait ‘n switch, I promise you I will try my hardest to make ‘priority’ sexy.

If your house caught fire, your priorities would fall into place, like you were that guy from ‘A Beautiful mind’. 1) Get the kids out. 2) Get the pets out. 3) If enough time get your most treasured item. Pretty straight forward.

Once I shattered my big toe. Despite the agonizing pain, first thing I did was to go home and shave my legs. Also I didn’t go to the emergency room. I knew ER=$2000-5000. Bite down hard and go to Care Now tomorrow=$100. Which tells us: 1) I am thrifty. 2) Shaving my legs is not a priority. 3) Having people think I shave my legs, big priority.

If anyone were to ask  “What are your priorities”? We can all come up with the same, socially accepted list: Kids, Husband/Wife, My health, Strong finances, and so on. Not a bad list. However, if our thoughts and actions were to come with an itemized breakdown, like your bank account, would your deposits and withdraws match your priority list?  Do we put down electronics, when our kids approach us, signalling that we are totally available to them? Do we carve out a little alone time with our spouse each day? Do we take our vitamins and get a minimum of exercise every day? Do we stick to our budget?  Do we act like the things. we claim is a priority, actually is? For most of us, the answer is low mumbled ‘no’, while letting our shameful gaze drift away.

So why are our actions, thoughts and priorities so jumbled? Are we bad and lazy selfish people? Not exactly. I am not a mathematician, but the equation goes something like this:

Poorly programmed subconscious mind,  plus Murphy’s law, minus lack of planning, drizzled with Holy sh!t that just happened, times Look something shiny= A mess!

I absolutely hate the, well-meaning, knee-jerk, total cop-out sentence: ” Give yourself a break, you are doing the best you can”. I am pretty darn sure that that is not the case. I am not suggesting we sit around beating ourselves up, but lets stop buying all our own excuses. Yes, there is “only” 24 hours in a day. But it is our 24 to fill ( smiley face, happy dance). Get excited about your life. The mind is a wonderful ting, it acts like a puppy running after a stick. Send out negative words and excuses, they will come back. Send out the desire to find solutions and ways to make life exciting, that is exactly what comes back. It is a practice, most of us are not wired that way, but it is doable. So make a list, review it often, make plans, hang post-its, look past your self-imposed limitations, stop kidding yourself, start loving yourself, hug your children and get your priorities straight.

At the end of the day, there is nothing more sexy and attractive, than vibrant people out there living their lives all out. Let’s be one of them.

A SHOUT OUT TO SIBLINGS OF SPECIAL NEEDS CHILDREN

The other day, my son Luke says to me: “Mom, I hope when Laura and I go to heaven, that she will be able to talk there and that she will want to interact with me”. It made me cry.

I want sing the praises of my boy and all the other siblings out there, who’s life has been forever changed by being the brother or sister of a special needs child. you guys handle it so gracefully, even though it comes with so much sacrifice.

I captured this picture of my kids, a few months back. I hope that Laura knows exactly how much her brother loves her.

WHAT IS YOUR STARTING POINT?

I just love stories about entrepreneurial endeavors; especially if they start like this: “So, it was Kenny T, Big Mike and I. We wanted to start our own company. We needed 2000$ to get started, but since we had no money, we maxed out 5 credit cards and borrowed the last 200$ from Kenny T’s granny. We lived in my parents garage, took turns sleeping on an old futon, ate rice and beans and whatever samples they handed out at COSTCO. We were young and dumb, but we had a dream”. Every single time, I pull up a chair and lean in. I should be more interested in the outcome of that story, but I’m really not.                   I am totally enamored with the process, the journey, the nitty-gritty. So you took 3 million dollars and invested in some start-up and now you are a gezillionaire, blah, blah, blah. No! I want you to go way back into the DNA of the story. I want to hear about how you cornered the painted-rock-market, when you were 5 years old. All the other kids started selling painted rocks, but then you started gluing yarn on yours, and you dominated the market again. Tell me that you rented out your comic books and charged your friends to get a peek at your dad’s playboy magazines.

I have read and heard many stories about entrepreneurship. Some impressive, some funny and many unbelievable . However impressive, there is one that will forever be my favorite: About 13 years ago, I were driving to work one day. In a vacant lot, next to the on-ramp to the freeway, I saw a parked minivan. Next to it was a woman in a lawn chair and in front of her, she had ONE plant. I remember thinking: “Hmm, seems like a lot of effort to sell one plant. What is she going to make? 10 bucks maybe”. Driving to work, the next day, there she was again; minivan, lawn chair and TWO plants.  My mind wasn’t blown, but I were starting to get the picture. So it went on, day after day, every day more and more plants. By the end of the week; still minivan, lawn chair, but at this point, something that resembled a small nursery. Plants, flowers and even small trees.                                            In the past 13 years, not a week has gone by without thinking about this lady. Did she spend her last 4$ to buy the first plant? What compelled her to do it? Did her son need money for prom pictures? Did she need money for going to the doctor? Did her husband lose his job and they needed rent money? Regardless the story or reason, she impressed me. She needed something and she found a way to get it. She swallowed her pride, did what she had to do, with what she had.

This story is such a good example of the power of goal setting and the willingness to start where you are at. What if we replicated this model, in all areas of our lives? What if we are willing to make that first push-up, save that first dollar, learn that first word in Chinese, spend that extra time with your kids; then lather, rinse and repeat, over and over again.

I never saw that lady again. I hope, that the plant selling experience gave her the mental muscle memory to transfer into a million new adventures. Her starting point was a minivan, lawn chair and ONE plant. What is yours?

 

 

TOMORROW

Anyone else? Do you put things off until tomorrow? Can you get borderline giddy by the thought of all you will accomplish tomorrow? Well, this one is for you…….

Tomorrow I will exercise. Rocky Balboa kind of exercise. I will push through with jaw-dropping stamina and determination. Sweat will drop from every pore. The flat stomach, toned arms and inevitable glow, will inspire everyone around me. My kids will adopt same healthy habits, so my star, as a parent, will shine even brighter. And forget about how sexy I will be.

Tomorrow will also be the day I start writing that book. Ah, the way I will handle the process, will be profound enough to make a movie about it. Such a shame Oprah doesn’t have her book club anymore. My book would definitely be on everyone’s lips. Is there anything higher than New York Times bestseller list? just saying. The writing will be a romanticized struggle. Hours staring at the blank page Just as I am about to buckle under the heavy depression (you know, the category of depression reserved for artists and creative thinkers) a sunbeam shines on a piece of lint on the desk. I will laugh for no reason, my writers block will disappear and I will write like a divine force is guiding my hand.

Oh, and tomorrow this house will be spotless. After that sex-appeal inducing exercise session and Hemingway like writing; I will not only clean this house, but also organize everything in this bitch.Every time someone needs a roll of Scotch Tape or tax returns from 6 years back…..BAM, I will know where it is. Don’t even get me started on whats going to happen to the fridge and the pantry. Nuts, noodles and grains in separate glass jars and canisters. Salad and vegetables pre-washed, chopped, diced and arranged to look like Panda Express’ fridge. Of course everything will be totally organic.

Naturally there will be that 30 minute window, where I will drop everything, sit criss-cross-applesauce, snap my fingers and go into a meditative state where my mind is totally void of thought. Nothing but energy will flow through me. I will enter the matrix and the vortex. You know, that Buddhist type, delta wave meditation, that makes you feel like you just had 8 hours of all REM sleep.

After that cosmic treat, I will start preparing snacks (healthy of course) for the kids who will be home from school shortly. First off, that wont be hard thanks to my Martha Stewart like organization. Secondly because my kids will only want healthy options, because I raised them right. I will also have prepared fun brain building exercises, games and worksheets for us to do together, because we just love learning. Once they are done with homework and extra credit work, we play outside. We play ball and build a fort using hammer, nails and old pieces of wood, because I am just an amazing parent that way. Later in life they will attribute their success to the loving, allowing nature of their mother.

No television will be turned on at night. Hubby and I will talk for hours about meaningful subjects, congratulate each other on how well we are doing on our budget and how we love, love, love not eating out and spending needlessly. While the kids are engrossed in their nightly 45 minutes of reading, I surprise my husband by taking him to the master closet to have mind blowing sex. It will be mind blowing A)because of my rocking body, B)because i do Kegels every time I am stopped at a red light, and C)because through meditation, I have learned to harness incredible vibrating energy. My husband will of course be beside himself. Naturally so, since his mind was just blown and in that state it’s hard to find your way back from Nirvana.

Yep, all this is going down TOMORROW……..